God: Live, in Concert
Thousands of cheers filtered thru the arena walls, Millions more watched TV’s around the world, all anxiously watched the pay-per-view event of the new millennium God: Live, In Concert. At least that’s how the marketing people at Sony were billing it, so far it was God: Complete Disaster.
Velvet Revolver was scheduled for the second stage, but the stress of opening for the supreme being was too much for lead singer Scott Weiland to bare, so he turned to heroin, (of course a Tuesday provides enough stress for Scott to start chasing the dragon) A Perfect Circle and openers Audio Slave were now the only bands on stage 2, which made it worse when all their equipment was accidentally transported to the Googolplex in Canada, over a thousand miles away.
Maynard, in a futile attempt to save the show, began an acoustic rendition of 3 Libras, Tom Morrelo joined in by grabbing a mop, a roll of duct tape, a stray cat, and proceeded to produce some of the most beautifully annoying rifts ever heard on such an instrument. The concert was just getting back on track, only to be interrupted by the commotion on the center stage.
Due to a failed safety check, the guy wires supporting the Sony Gigatron snapped under immense strain. The device then fell several stories, Smashing No Doubt sex vixen Gwen Stafani, under seven tons of over-priced television.
Immediately the son of God, (Jesus), and his security detail, (six burly Mexican guys, all with the same name as their boss), were dispatched for an emergency resurrection.
The Teamsters at the scene said it would take upwards of 4 hours to clear the wreckage, after they called their union rep, which they might do later, but had no intention of doing now.
Jesus snapped his fingers, sending his entourage into motion. 10 minuets after the crash, the stage was clear, the Gigatron was dismantled and covertly placed into the truck beds of half a dozen waiting El Caminos, never to be seen again. Only Gwen’s road-kill looking body remained on stage, in all its gory Hi-Def glory.
Within seconds, angry mothers from suburbs began writing rough drafts of the legal threats they would send the networks for forcing their children to watch such violence. (As everyone knows, violence is something that only happens to brown people who can’t afford to live in housing developments named after trees and bodies of water.) Thoughts for the little blond woman who was just turned into hamburger, would never enter their minds.
Gwen’s remains were spread too thing for a proper resurrection. The event staff summoned the night janitor, a man named Otis. He used a push broom to sweep the remains into a central pile, only stopping to comment, “The only thing yo gonna make outta that, is sausage!”
Jesus then put his palms together and began to charge life force into a glowing ball of blue energy. He could have simply touched her corpus, and gently brought her back to life. But by recommendation of the kids he played Halo 2 with on X-Box live, he had seen a few episodes of Dragon Ball Z, and knew that this would look way cooler.
Screaming some gibberish he had heard on Iron Chef, Jesus leapt into the air, as the background changed to a million pulsating laser beams. A blue fireball that trailed black lightning launched out of his hands and collided with the pile, blasting the full fury of life back into Gwen, reformed.
To Jesus and the crowd’s surprise, he had un-intentionally blown every inch of clothing off of her tiny frame. She stood, dazed and confused, and then to her horror realized that the mystery about carpet and drapes (bare floors) was just revealed to hundreds of millions of people on all six continents.
She ran off the stage, blushing redder than the stain that remained in her spot. Otis sprang into action, and ran into Tom Morello, who had raided the janitor’s closet earlier. Tom received several harsh words, before Otis returned with the cat mop concoction to clean the mess.
The Crowd erupted at the Resurrection / streaking with earth shaking applause. Jesus, surprised with the sudden reaction, locked both fist into twin devil horns and proceeded to head bang to some old school Metallica, being piped thru his I-Pod. Then seizing the moment, he launched himself off of the stage to surf the crowd.
Just as God’s opening act, The Rolling Stones, were doing sound check, the fallout from Jesus’ actions began to hit. Key members of the religious right, unhappy with what they were watching, called their dedicated secure channels into the Bush White House.
As much as they disliked seeing a woman violently crushed to death, the sight of a booby (even if it was an A cup) sent the Christian leaders into an immediate murderous rage. The fact that it was full frontal (captured on video) sent them into dimension of fury un-reached since the Spanish Inquisition. They ordered the president to remove Christ and his cohorts, by any means necessary, for the crime of not acting Christian enough.
Within minutes, FCC shock-troops were dispatched on Blackhawk helicopters. FCC ground forces in Hum-Vee assault vehicles plowed thru the stadium doors and hundreds of rows of spectators, laying down 50 cal. Suppression fire when necessary.
Jesus had just made his way back to the front stage, when K-9 units seized him. German Shepards bit his flaying arms and legs, as troops used tear gas, pepper spray, electric tazers, rubber bullets, and steel batons on his body.
God came on stage pleading for some sort of order, only to be blasted into Keith Richards by a high pressure fire hose. Mosses and Mick Jagger grabbed him and fled to the Stone’s personal chopper.
The four of them evaded detection for several hours, slowly making their way north to Vancouver. However a squad of Homeland Security unmanned air drones intercepted them East of Salt Lake. Only the body of Keith Richards was recovered from the crash site. Forensic evidence suggested he has been dead for the last 17 years. Moses was later apprehended at a used car lot, haggling over a posted sticker price.
The whereabouts of God and Mick Jagger are still unknown to this day, but it is believed that they are hiding in the caves that dot the barren mountainous region, helped only by Mormon religious fanatics.
Jesus is still being held indefinitely at Camp X Ray, in US controlled Gauntanamo Bay. Moses was held in the cell adjacent to his, but was expedited to his home country of Egypt, and awaits trial for damages suffered during his nine plagues. It is expected he will receive the death penalty.
A fanatical Shiite terrorist recently detonated himself on the hit Fox reality show American Idol. After screaming “Free Allah!” all judges and several contestants were killed in a fiery nail bomb blast.
Allah, who was vacationing in Paris at the time, has yet to comment.
US forces are currently poised at key staging points in Colorado, Nevada and Hawaii, to launch the invasion designed to remove Utah’s tyrannical religious government. The “Mormon Regime” as it is now referred to, has been named prime suspect in every terrorist attack (solved and unsolved) over the past 50 years, starting with the Kennedy Assassination. Their continued aiding of FBI most wanted suspect “God” promoted their state to a higher rank than North Korea on the Axis of Evil List.
Prayer vigils are
held daily in front of the White House, by Jerry Farwell. The sermon calls for
Utah to renounce God, and accept Jesus, (In light of the real Jesus, who is in
custody awaiting trial, Christian Coalition leaders have developed a "New"
The "New" Jesus is a 6' tall, blond haired, blue eyed, white man, who wears a "Support our Troops" yellow ribbon, and deems questioning the current administration equivalent to treason.
The new Jesus has called for death to anyone who will not accept his unlimited love (limited to Non-Gays only).