The following contains explicit language, mind altering drug use, and multiple Vampiricide.

If you are, may be, or were offended by any of these, leave now, and tell no one you came.



Man on Acid

By RC Everclear

Part 1:

“Fucking Vampires”


     I am not a man of much patients, so when one of these fucking night crawlers tells you he’s going to meet up with you, so he can buy the secret of “All knowing Power” or some shit like that, he better not be late… Because it’s in the chest over there… No really, right there on the table... what you don’t believe me? You god damn cock sucking, blood sucker, it’s under the spot light, OK, it wouldn’t be under a big freaking spotlight if there was something wrong with it… No, No, No, what do you think, that I’m just going to give you the “Big Mysterious Thing”? No, that shit may work back in Paris, but not here, not in this fucking warehouse…

     First things first buddy boy, case on the table, open it facing me, slowly… yeah that’s it, 50 million sterling… at current exchange rates that equals, uh…  carry the one… uh… One big shit load of Dollars… Well what are you waiting for, you just bought the damn thing that every vampire has to have for Christmas, or Chinese New Year, or… Well, what ever you guys fucking celebrate… What? You want it gift wrapped, or something?...


(Yeah, that’s it little bitch, walk right on over there and…”Oh, where did the floor go? Oh heavens no, what ever will I do?”... Another one falls for the bait like a big dumb bass.)


     Attention Mr. Vampire… Yeah, you in the hole. You may be questioning your present situation, but know that you are not alone… I know for a Fact that there about a dozen of you dead mother fuckers down there, and by dead I mean “was un-dead, now is real dead”… Look around you probably know a lot of those pricks, they fell for the same trap you just did, proving that real geniuses all think alike… However, the more pertinent question on your mind may be “Gee, who is this big dog looking guy, that’s ramming a telephone pole thru my chest?” Well let me introduce you, that’s Steve… Yeah, a real fucking werewolf named Steve, go figure… He don’t come cheap either, course, that’s where your big briefcase full of money comes involved at… How you holding up Steve, want a Pepsi or something?

     Aw Shit, no time, last dude’s here Steve… Steve! Back in fucking position...


     (God damn, the room is spinning again… It’s tasting like purple, I can’t handle this shit when it tastes like fucking purple in here… Where’s the floor, where’s the fucking floor! Got to get low, get low, get clear, get low, get clear… Alright, alright, Orange tracers, every thing gets mellow when you fall back to orange. Tracers are good, Stars mean some bad mojo is firing, tracers always show you the exit sign… Chill man, chill… Shake it off, got to get down to blue, when you hit blue, everything falls back into order… Then I can dance in my own heaven, on the verge of all out hell… Then I can dance… In my own Heaven… Auska, where are you, baby?)


    God dammit you fucking vampire, you just going to sit there and watch me craw around like a worm on the fucking floor, all night? We got business to get to!


     (Ugh, the shakes, the fucking shakes, it’s freezing in here, god damn vampire ghost trying to take me to Hell with them… Well, you aint getting me, not here, not now, I’ll kill every one of you again if I need to, and again after that, and again, and again, and again…)


     Mr. Vam-Pire! Did you bring the money like I asked you to? Cause I don’t see no case, and… Hey, what the hell, I said come alone mother fucker! ALONE! What, you can’t leave your date in the god damn car for 20 minuets? You have to bring… Aw, no baby, no…


      (Well, if there’s one thing I hate it’s when one of these gay looking mother fuckers is the dude who’s always strutting around with a bitch on his side… And what really fucking burns me, is when that same Mother Fucker has MY Bitch on his side…)


     (Auska, Auska, Auska… You glorious crimson haired sex beast… You’re wearing the same skin tight jeans you had on the first time I saw you, the ones that sculpt that ass of yours into a work of Michelangelo. You were bent over that pinball machine, thrusting it with those hips of yours, till the machine couldn’t take it any more, and cried out “tilt”. I knew right then, before I ever said any thing, that I wanted to hold you in my arms till the sun blocks the moon, and the stars fall down. I knew, I just knew, you were the one…)


     (This vampire’s made it personal, got to get up, a man on all fours can’t negotiate. Got to face him down, got to save my girl…)


     Vampire! Just take the big fucking thing, it’s over there on the table, just let her go, it’s yours, just take it and go…


     (God damn, the vampire just pulled out a fucking gun… What’s a vampire need a gun for?... Fuck! He’s dragging her over to the trap door. If they fall, Steve might kill her first, he doesn’t know she’s coming… Got to tell him, got to tell him somehow, think, dam-it, think!  He’s looking down; he knows there’s a trap, Fuck! No, the gun, silver bullets…)


      Steve! Steve! Look out! He’s got… (BANG!) 


     (Well… Steve’s dead… Up to me now…)


     OK, OK I guess you want the money too, you greedy blood-sucker, fine it’s over there, against the wall behind me, under the fire hose, in the duffle bags, probably a few hundred mil in there, I’ve been doing this all night… I’m going to step back very slowly, see, s-l-o-w-l-y…


     (Time for that back-up plan, the whole reason I kidnapped that priest this morning, got him to bless the water tower on top of this building, before I chucked his ass over the edge. Ok, use my tripping to my advantage, start stumbling, good, maybe a little too much. There’s the hose, got to turn the valve, not much, got to let the pressure build, if it’s too much the hose will jump off the wall, then I’ll really be in a world of shit… And, 3, 2, trip… good it’s turned, now pick up the bags, and grab the hose, and 3, 2, Opps I’ve dropped it to the ground, clumsy, clumsy me… I have to make this Vampire feel that I’m so wasted that I can’t possibly hurt him. Now, turn to face him, and run a distraction…)


     Vampire! Show me her neck; I want to make sure she’s unspoiled by you… Good, arms and ankles to. Any place I can put heroin in, you can take blood out of, aint that right? Thought so… Good, good. Here’s your money, just let her go…


     (He’s counting the money, he’s distracted… Got to grab the end of the hose, use my right foot, slide it over here, with out him knowing… excellent, I get a gold star… OK, this is going to be very interesting, and Auska, I promise to make this up to you…)


     (Got to confuse him, just tell the truth…)


     Hey Vampire! It tastes really fucking blue right now!


    (There, there’s that look on his face, that look of confusion, you look like a god damn idiot, vampire. Not how I want to look when I’m about to die…)


( Now! Drop, and grab the end. Oh, man he didn’t see this one coming, did he?)


     Here! Several hundred P.S.I.. of Holy fucking vampire acid, dip-shit (WHOOSH!) Dissolved like a fucking Alka-Seltzer, teach you to mess with my woman… Aw, shit, Auska! Auska! Dammit girl, speak to me… Yes! Yes, it’s over, it’s alright baby, it’s all over now, I got you…


     So I end my night holding a beautiful woman, freshly hosed down with holy water. All I have to show for it, is a big pile of dead vampires, about a half billion in unmarked currency, (now with no werewolf who needs a cut), oh and that big mysterious thing in the chest that all these people died for, I still don’t know what it is, but I think it’s glowing.

     You never know where life is going to take you, so just in case, pack your LSD.